When it's over it's over right?
What is it about a human being that constantly wants to believe that there's still a chance? Perhaps it's because there is.... it's just people forget that 0.000001% is the equivilent of 'not happening at all'. It's the same chance that there's a miniscule possibility that the sun won't rise in the morning. It's completley clutching at straws.
During the final week of January when Stevie gave me an unexpected message, I re-discovered my hope again. In the weeks previous I had confirmed with him that we would never get back together again. I was ready and willing (a bit begrudgingly actually) to move on with my life. Imagine my supreme surprise when Stevie out of the blue was asking me how I was and seemed to show genuine interest.
This in itself is a bit misleading - talk about your fools paradise - Stevie was not showing anymore interest in me than someone being polite asking about how your day was. In effect, this was the brain amplifying things to grand proportions on very little evidence. However, for the time, it SEEMED real, and due to hope, seemed to be the answer I had been so desperatley wanting.
He mentioned something about 'How would you like to be financially free' and didn't elaborate. Curiousity is in my blood, but with Stevie being so tight-lipped, so another cog in the chain continued. Now there was nothing else to do but agree to a meeting and see what this mysterious thing was. I ask him will it be just us? He responds his femaile friend will be there too.
And so begins a fateful chain reaction to dissapointment. With the 'unknown factor' drove me to believe it could be a cheque for a million dollars, or, more hopefully, a chance at a reunion. Immediatley you'd probably say to me I was just doing wishful thinking. But that of course is what makes us all human. It's just I set the hope bar too high.
I first fell in love with Stevie in mid 2009. We had broken up earlier that year and were not dating at the time I fell in love, but we were still having what is called a 'casual relationship'. The significants of this guy grew and grew. A wonderful happy character that was both amusing and sexy. Probably most memorable was his ability to turn any boring old night into something atmospheric and memorable. Perhaps this article is written a little too scientifically to appreciate someone like Stevie. Suffice to say I love him more than I love my life before him - pre 2009. The hurt that I've felt since then has been a heavy burden that has often got me thinking of suicide. Not trying to be too morbid, just expressing a feeling for someone that I love with a passion and knowing I'll never be with them.
So we decide on a Sunday eveing pick up. I cancel all my arrangments. I even cut short a chance meeting with a possible love interest to see Stevie this night. I shower and try to look my best. Stevie definatley still finds me attractive. He is ten minutes late picking me up, but what do I care? I gleefully get in the car with a massive smile on my face - his friend is not present. His blonde hair and kind nature overwhelm me. I'm just so happy to be sitting there. I really am so in love, I'd do anything for him. At once it seems my life is significant again. Like it was in the glory days. Alas, all too breif my friends. This car ride is the only magical thing about my story. It is the ending of a once great era.
Stevie says he has to stop at the Lakes McDonalds, so it's a bit odd he goes to the Willows McDonalds. Mishap in words obviously. Presumably he is hungry and wants to have a chat and talk. Really this is the last time my mind is in 50/50. It is still looking good for being just a getting back together thing. It's still possible that it could turn out to be nothing, but since the car ride spoke nothing of this 'thing' we were doing tonight, it's presumed by me that it'll work in my favour. Well you already know what happens next.
Stevie doesn't walk towards to counter, he walks towards the back. I remember my guts turning. There sitting at the back was his female friend - like he had said all along - and she's sitting there in a business-like suit looking prepared for some sort of lecture on how to make money. Indeed, I intuition had told me this would happen. Hope. Fucken hope. What a crock of shit it is ay?
I sit down trying not to think of this dissapointment that is slowly but surely taking over me. It starts off well because I act all professional, but soon, very soon, my face can no longer look up at the lady or Stevie. And then it hits... and she even mentions that it looks a bit like this too.
A pyrimid scheme
Instantly I know there was nothing more in Stevie's intentions and the rest of what happened with the lady at McDonalds is irrelevent. She leaves and Stevie asks if I'm ok. I am very VERY much not ok. Im ok in that I am healthy, but my mind is sick. It is very ill. I want to cry. I ask him if he'd like something to eat. For some reason I feel optimistic that there might be more to this now that she is gone.
So we order, and again I feel a bit comfortable if wary. We get our food and I started looking for somewhere to sit.
'Do you mind if we eat this in the car?' And with those words, Stevie concluded the night as far as I am concerned.
The drive home was painful and I no longer attempted conversation. There is no doubt Stevie had good intentions with what he did that night. It's all my fault that I assumed that ore would happen. I am to blame.
As I departed the car I saw Stevie checking his phone. )-: On the background was a sweet picture of Stevie and his boyfriend.
There is no doubt I will see Stevie and have a chat again. We'll definatley catch up and it will always be a pleasure seeing this one of a kind guy.Nowadays though I'm heading boldly if a little unwillingly into a new era. Unfortunatley there is no 'great' love in sight. Without this, happiness will be alluded for a least a while.
There has been significant mourning in the days since the breakdown of the Sean/Stevie relationship, and no doubt this will continue in some form for the rest of my life. I'll always be fond of our magical, atmospheric, beautiful time we shared together. I'll always love him.
My life is just that little bit poorer for Stevie not being in it.
